 |
| Definitely a ring of hell, but which one? |
Marc's. If you have ever lived in Northeast Ohio, you know exactly what kind of shopping experience I'm talking about. If you've never had the pleasure, I'll get you up to speed. Marc's is the local deep deep discount grocery store. Everything is cheap, of questionable origin and strange name brands
 |
| Who the hell is Cousin Willie? |
and placed in casual piles around a semi-filthy store, which is usually painted infection yellow. Everybody hates Marc's. Yet everybody goes to Marc's (at some point or another). You are guaranteed a bad shopping experience and non-existent customer service. I'm there every Friday morning.
It's like this: the economy is in the toilet and inflation has caused my shopping bill to go from $120 a week for a family of 4 to $250. Easy. And my son is on the edge of puberty and has some sort of tape worm. When you couple that with 2 kids in private school and a 100 year old money pit of a house- I needed to bring all spending to heel. The answer is Marc's for all canned, boxed and bagged food. (I can't buy the meat. The chicken is the color of marigolds and the "beef" is beige. )
On a side note, we have all manner of unexpected expenses in my "charming" home. A good example? Waking up one morning and discovering that 28ft of cast iron soil pipe had failed. Rather dramatically. From the second floor master bath, through the first floor powder room and into the corner of my basement. Behind the new hot water tank. The sheer vastness of the fail rendered my plumber speechless and we both sat silently rocking on the floor, freaking out. And I have original tile work in those bathrooms, people!! Original tile work!!! I asked him how much it would cost to repair the pipe and all the bathrooms. His response? "Oh my God."
Back to Marc's. I worked there briefly when I was 19. Because they will hire anyone. My interview consisted of getting my driver's license photocopied. I was then handed a CLEAR PLASTIC PURSE and told to use it at all times because of the rampant employee theft. Are you getting the picture of this place? It was a summer job and I took it because, as a college freshman, my work experience was limited to babysitting and rink guarding.
OMG, it was awful. My job was stocking shampoo. I got yelled at hourly. I immediately adopted a zoned-out, mouth breathing expression. Marc Glassman, the owner, once told me I was the worst stock help he had ever had. (Of course, I didn't know it was him at the time. I thought it was a random nut.) Then one day, the ass. manager shoved a cash register in my face and told me to get my butt to a register. No training. "Oh, and by the way, "she said, " if your drawer is short it comes out of your pay." (and I am so good at math.....) No scanner, no price tags on anything. I made executive guesses. I usually went with $ 0.10. My line was always the longest. :) And they made me wear the second worst name tag I have ever worn. It said my name in black marker, and underneath it read: FUN FOR YOUR MONEY!
So, it looked like this:
DANA!
FUN FOR YOUR MONEY!
The worst? My first reference job. It read:
DANA DELANEY-MCSWAIN
ADULT SERVICES
Every single man made the comment you are all thinking.
I lasted 6 weeks. This is how my resignation and exit interview went:
Me: (on phone) Yeah, this is Dana. I'm like... not coming in. Ever. Again. I can't handle it.
Ass. Manager: OK. Bye.
Nowadays, especially if I'm not in a hurry, I see Marc's as fun. The people watching is bar none. I guarantee you will see:
1. Someone with an exposed wound.
2. Lots of elderly people in various stages of undress. Just standing around.
3. A creepy man in dirty sweatpants will follow you.
You might also see this guy:
 |
| Just sit anywhere, buddy. |
We encountered him on a Saturday junk food run. You can see he's sitting on the floor. Wearing driving gloves. Studying something intently. But what you can't see is that he is studying each and every DOUCHE on the damn shelf. He sat there for like 20 minutes. We left and came back to check on him. This is what he was looking at:
 |
| Sweet, sweet romance |
Winston loved the name on that one. He thinks the guy was looking for a certain flavor, like Sweet and Sour or Honey Mustard or Salt and Vinegar.
Man, that guy was thorough. And so engrossed in his task that he didn't even look up when Winston took this picture. I was doing that silent-laughing-crying-choking thing.
And you find magical, random items shelved together that never ever should be! For example:
 |
| toothpaste. titties. rats. |
You can also find gems like this:
OH MY GOD!!!!!!! USHER GIFT BAGS?!?!?! 2 for .99?!?!? You can't beat that price! My friends and family are going to be blown away next Christmas. I bought them ALL.
But you also see wonderful, sweet things too.
Last week, the kids and I saw this dad and his 4 daughters in the toy aisle. The dad was a tank top wearing, neck and face tattoo sort, and the girls ranged in age from maybe 6 months to 5 years. None of the girls were wearing shoes and they were all sort of filthy. I watched as he patiently let the girls sort through and pick something out from Marc's sad assortment of .99 cent toys. All the while the dad was blowing farts on the baby's belly and neck. Weird and adorable at the same time. We moved on, but came upon them again as we walked out of the store. The girls and their father were all sitting on the curb. Using a large, scary knife, the dad was taking the tags off of 4 pairs of little sandals. And those girls preened and pranced and walked up and down demanding that their daddy tell them how pretty they were. And it was beautiful, right there in front of Marc's. Yes, I had a little cry.
~dana
