I like to call my style "Arhaus meets Sanford and Son." It's going to sweep the nation. Anyway, about a month before Christmas, I was in my favorite resale shop in their home-ware section in the basement. I was looking for draperies, but instead found this!
A genuine tacky nude! I took a picture of it and sent it to the husband to brighten his day. I also threatened to buy it. He was immediately on board with that.
"You should get it. It's awesome," he texted back.
"Hmmm... I don't know. Well, my grandma did have a nude painting in the living room. And we have no nudie art at all."
He responded, "Did she really?"
"Yeah," I said, "It was this grieving woman laying on a grave in a cave with all her business hanging out. I always knew where to find my male cousins."
"Listen," Winston said," You should totally get it. It sorta looks like you."
"Yeah," I said, "Before the kids. With bigger boobs. And my thighs have never been that fat, damn it. Well, it is 50% off."
So I bought the tacky Dana nude and gave it to Winston for Christmas. He asked me where I intended to hang it.
"Oh, I thought the dining room. It will discourage guests from lingering."
"I think the 5ft. tall rice god does that already," he said, "I have to say, considering what a prude you are, I'm surprised the pubic hair doesn't bother you."
"What? Where?!?"
Sure enough, if I had bothered to actually look closely, I would have noticed not a tasteful, shadowy lady part, but rather a magnificent jungle of womanhood. Whoever painted the tacky Dana nude took a great deal of time on the lower bits. It's all swirly and lush.
"I can't hang pubic hair in the dining room!" (pause and reflect on chances of anyone else ever having said those exact words.)
"Living room?" he said.
"NO!"
"Basement?"
"I'm thinking closet. Damn it!"
So, the Dana nude is behind some pants in our closet. I can't think what to do with it. I don't want to get rid of it, because it was such a good deal. After the discount, I think I paid $9.25. So there she waits, never to see the light of day because of her magnificent crotch and my prudish nature. I have this horrible image in my mind of my great grandchildren finding it and refusing to throw away what they think is slutty art of granny. Fighting over it, making up outlandish stories about how uninhibited granny was. Mocking the thighs and making bikini wax jokes about me. While I sit languishing under an afghan in a chair somewhere, drooling on myself.
I'm open to suggestions. Leave me a comment and help me decide what to do with the tacky Dana nude.
