Me: (pointing at my son) You owe me big time, buddy. Big time.
Henry: Why? I don't like tuna salad that much.
Me: No. I killed a wasp in your room today. (turning) Winston, what do you call those big bastards that are as long as my hand and have that dangly butt business going on?
Winston: Mud daubers?
Me: Yeah, but more huge. And with fangs.
Henry: Is that what happened to my room? You destroyed my room! And what happened to my new issue of Gamer Magazine? It's all shredded on the floor! And what happened to the flag? And the lamp?
Me: I went in your room to steal a pair of your shorts for your sister to wear to fencing.
Henry: Mom! Gross!
Anne: I know. It wasn't my idea. But your shorts are way longer and I got stabbed last time I wore my short shorts at fencing and my leg is still a mess. Also? FYI? Your shorts are dork shorts.
Henry: Don't let her wear my shorts!
Me: Both of you shut up. So your room is all dark like a cockroach nest because of the blackout shades you insist upon. I walked over to the floor lamp by your dresser and went to switch it on. AND THERE WAS A HUGE WASP WITH FANGS ON THE SWITCH JUST WAITING TO STAB ME WITH IT'S STINGER! WINSTON, WHY DO THEY DO THAT???
Winston: So you killed it?
Me: Oh, I wish it was that easy. No, the whole ordeal took like 6 minutes. Be patient. So I crept to the other side of the room, and turned on the other lamp. But it's like 15 watts, so not a huge improvement. Then I scanned the room for a weapon. So first I grabbed your American flag, Henry.
Henry: That's stupid. You can't kill a wasp with a flag. And it's disrespectful.
Me: I could have died! Or you could have found that thing in your bed! Anyway, I crept up at it with the flag... but then I realized if I missed, it would sting my ass. So I tossed the flag on the floor and grabbed one of your Gamer Magazines, cause they're huge and heavy.
Henry: Disrespectful.
Winston: So you killed it? (sigh)
Me: I'm telling this story. It'll take as long as it takes. No, so I crept back over and decided to wail the hell out of the lamp even if I shattered the glass shade, because it's him or me, right? One of us is going to die. So I rolled up the magazine and smacked the shit out of it. But instead of falling down dead, it buzzed and sorta flew off. I'm not sure. It was still pretty dark in there.
Henry: Did you kill it?
Me: No! Then I had to run in the hall and take all my clothes off because I was wearing my handkerchief hem skirt, you know that cute stripy one?
Henry and Winston: (Blink, blink)
Anne: I love that skirt. Go on.
Me: And I was afraid it had landed on my skirt or the back of my top so I had to take all my clothes off and shake them out. But then I was worried it got in my hair so I started crying and shaking my hair.
Winston: I'm sorry I missed this.
Me: It looked a lot like Jennifer Carpenter at the end of Quarantine. You know, where she is all sweaty and half naked and trying to hide in the dark from that rabid old lady in the attic?
Henry: You're weird. Stay out of my room.
Me: So, I had to go back in, because I didn't want that little bastard sitting in a corner nursing a grudge and then swooping out at my Henry when he got home and stinging his face or something. You're welcome, Henry. So I went back in, but I went in my underwear so that little shit couldn't hide in my clothes.
Henry: Gross!!! You were running around my room naked?
Winston: And crying? In the dark? Where was Anne?
Me: THAT'S THE BEST PART! MY OWN DAUGHTER WAS RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS TEXTING HER FRIEND KATIE WHILE ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING! I WAS RUNNING AROUND THE UPSTAIRS, CRYING AND SCREAMING NAKED IN THE DARK AND SHE SAT THERE QUIETLY ON THE COUCH IGNORING THE CRIES FOR HELP FROM UPSTAIRS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU DEAF?
Anne: Oh, no. I heard it all. No way I was going up there. Seriously?
Me: Were you and Katie making fun of me?
Anne: Maybe.
Me: So I couldn't see cause it was dark, but I couldn't turn the lamp on either in case the little shit was hiding on it, so I grabbed Henry's combination black light/flashlight and started scanning the room.
Anne: What's that on your arm, Mom?
Me: (jumping up and slapping myself) Oh my God! You sicko! Don't do that! Where is it?
Anne: heh heh heh...
Winston: Good one, Anne.
Me: ANYWAY... I found him in the corner and he was army crawling at me with vengeance. So I wailed on him again, I swear to God, like 30 times with the magazine but he kept coming! Right at me!
Winston: Like a little wasp Terminator? (snicker)
Me: It wouldn't die! Why wouldn't it die? I beat the hell out of it!
Winston: Terminator. Can't kill it.
Me: So, I grabbed the flag again and started stabbing it with the flagpole bit, but that just made it angry and I started freaking out and screaming because I was terrified I would have to fight this thing until you got home, Winston! That's when I grabbed the magazine again, rolled it up and used the end to stab it and try to crush it and shred it on the floor. AND IT WAS STILL TRYING TO GET ME! I TRIED TO SQUISH IT IN HALF BUT IT WAS JUST BUZZING AND WAVING IT'S TENTACLES AT ME!
Henry: I think you mean antennae. Or mandibles. So that's why my BRAND NEW MAGAZINE IS SHREDDED?
Me: Yes. I had no choice. I had to use a whole roll of toilet paper to pick it up because it was still trying to sting the shit out of me. I screamed the whole way from your room to the toilet because I could feel it moving! And it was still buzzing when I flushed it. I flushed it like 9 times, just to be sure.
Anne: Do you hear that buzzing? It's coming from your hair, Mom.
Me: You're grounded! And do you know what your Precious Pearl said to me, Winston, when I came staggering down the steps in my underwear, crying with relief?!?! She was sitting there, texting on the couch, and she looks at me and says, real sarcastically:
" Wow, Mom..."
Henry: Listen. Mom, next time you have to kill something in my room, don't use my magazines. Use a knife. I have a whole drawer of them. Just stab it.
(an awkward silence descends upon the entire table)
Me: You really want me running around your room naked with a knife trying to stab something that can fly?
Henry: I think it would make a lot less of a mess.
~dana
note: while doing "research" for this piece, I found this picture. From an actual movie. That I must find immediately.
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| Fucking awesome |
