The Man of Wrath* insists that raccoons are illegal in Lakewood, but that is not true. Last summer I saw someone walking a baby raccoon down Lake Avenue, so of course I sprinted after them to pet it and drill them with questions. The raccoon was super friendly and climbed right up my leg and settled about my head, like I was a Dana-tree. Then he whispered sweetly in my ear and I fell madly in love. The couple said they found it on the side of the road, far too young to care for itself so they took it into their LAKE AVE 4TH STORY APARTMENT AND GAVE IT IT'S OWN ROOM, LITTER BOX AND PUT SEVERAL LIVE TREES IN THE RACCOON ROOM AS WELL TO CREATE A SIMULATED ECOSYSTEM. I hope this answers some of the questions you may have had over the years when you wondered what the fucking hell that smell was in your new apartment. I asked them how they planned to keep the po-po off their backs, especially considering that they were walking it in Lakewood Park. They said that the cops in Lakewood had chased them down just like I did to pet it and told them:
"Listen. Don't let strangers pet it because a lot of people are dicks and if he accidentally scratches someone, we would have to shoot the raccoon. But otherwise, it's fine to keep the little guy. There's no ordinance against it." Then they proceeded to make kissy noises at it. And if you have had any encounters with the fine officers of Lakewood, you will understand that is somewhat of a Christmas miracle.
So I asked about the rental company for their apartment, which is at Cook and Lake, and they said they were allowed to have a pet under 35 pounds so the rental company couldn't do shit. Which is a hysterical loophole in the rental contract. "No large animals but go right ahead and create a lush, woodland environment in the spare bedroom for a raccoon."
My "landlord" is inflexible on his anti raccoon policy. The husband states that if he finds a raccoon in either my shirt or in a baby front pack on my person, he will seek a swift divorce. I tried crying, but he just accused me of sounding like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka. (DADDY, I WANT A BABY RACCOON NOW! OR I'M GOING TO SCREAM!")
So, I said, "Fine. Screw you. I will seek sympathy for my raccoon-less plight within the Tubes of the Internet! Meany Pants! Sergeant Suck!"
Which led me, with astonishingly little effort on my part, to this... Enjoy. Try to get about 15 posts down the rabbit hole. It is so worth it.
Support Group For People Who Love Raccoons Too Much
~dana
*apologies to Elizabeth
