Shortly after we arrived and inspected the contents of his fridge...
...we decided to go out for dinner. So we drove around in his giant black Chevy Tahoe and tried to decide where to go.
Uncle Dan: Dinosaur Barbeque, Henry? Could be awesome.
Henry: I don't know... it's not actually dinosaur is it?
Dan: No, wait, Caitlin is vegetarian. No way they have meatless alternatives at Dinosaur Barbeque.
Anne: Look, Uncle Dan! What about Top Your Pizza?
Uncle Dan: You don't want to go there. I ate there once. Top Your Pizza? More like Top Your Toilet. I barely made it home.
Anne and Henry: Top Your Toilet! Top Your Toilet!
Me: Thank you for this special moment, Dan. What the hell? Are we in the ghetto? Why are we in the ghetto?
Dan: This is Troy. It's important that the kids know what a real ghetto looks like.
Me: I am not eating in the ghetto. And we live in Cleveland. They have seen ghetto.
Uncle Dan: Not like this. This is stereotypical ghetto. It's better. Now kids, pay attention. Do you see that group of youths playing stickball?
Kids: Yes, Uncle Dan.
Uncle Dan: What you have there is a mix of ghetto fat and ghetto thin. Do you see the difference? Ghetto thin always, ALWAYS, wears a wife beater and droopy shorts with a belt. Ghetto fat may wear shorts, but it's always with an over sized, extra long t-shirt or some sort of sports jersey.
Henry: Oooh, oooh! That one is ghetto thin, right Uncle Dan?
Uncle Dan: Very good, Henry. Always look for the wife beater. It's a dead give away.
Me: You are so lucky Winston isn't here. But continue.
Dan: Now this next one is a tricky one. They normally wear pants, but they can pretty much wear anything. What you are looking for is a specific walk, legs apart, wide stance, stiff legs, little bit of a shuffle. That is what you call a Zombie Bum. There! Right there! That dude in the middle of the street? Zombie Bum.
Me: Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with him?
Kids: Why is he walking like that?
Uncle Dan: Zombie Bums walk like that because they are so drunk, they have crapped themselves. That's why you usually see them in pants. But it explains the stiff legged walk. And they're slow, so you don't really have to worry about them.
Caitlin: Dan, can we go eat now? Stop it. You do this every time someone visits us. It's embarrassing.
Uncle Dan: They have to learn! OK, one more ghetto fact and then we'll go. Kids, do you see that group of... what kind of ghetto are they?
Kids: Ghetto Thin!!
Uncle Dan: Good! You're paying attention. That group of ghetto thin on the stoop with the radio, dancing and drinking? Ghetto thin in Troy only listen to mid '90's rap.
Me: Don't you dare roll the window down. I will fucking kill you, Dan. My babies are in this car!
Uncle Dan: I don't even have to. Without rolling down the window, I can tell you that they are listening to "Scrubs" by TLC. The "ghetto thin" believe that rap peaked in the mid "90's, so that's all they listen to.
Me: You're like an anthropologist. No wait. You're the ghetto whisperer.
Henry: Can you be a zombie bum and be ghetto fat or thin?
Uncle Dan: No. It's a totally different classification.
And my children start spouting bizarreness when they are around Uncle Dan, too. When we got back to Dan and Caitlin's apartment, there was a smell, probably the garbage disposal or something.
Henry: Wait. It smells like odor in here.
Uncle Dan: Henry, don't make me kick your ass.
Henry; What are we going to do now, Uncle Dan?
Me: I'm going to bed. Eight hours in the damn car and an additional 1 hour learning ghetto? I'm done.
Anne: Me too.
Caitlin: (already in bed...)
Uncle Dan: Good, cause Henry and I have hours of Ancient Aliens to watch. Henry, you down?
Henry: It's not scary, is it? I mean, too scary?
Uncle Dan: Man up. It's just a historically accurate show that details how all human events were triggered by aliens.
Me: OMG.
Henry: Awesome!!!
The next morning, after spending 3+ hours with this guy explaining how aliens carefully manipulate all human events...
my son was, to put it mildly, paranoid.
Henry: Mommy! Did you know aliens created the Egyptian people and that's why they wore those cone hats because their heads were shaped like that! And did you know that aliens buried all that stuff on Oak Island? And Jesus was totally an alien.
Me: Thanks, Dan. What are we doing today?
Dan: Vermont? But let's get going. I ate something last night and I may need to make a few stops, if you know what I mean.
Anne: Top Your Toilet!!
Henry: Are you saying you have the "squirts," Uncle Dan?
Uncle Dan: I'm gonna kick your ass, Henry. Wait, gotta use the can.
The drive to Vermont was gorgeous, just like a postcard. We stopped in Ticonderoga.
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| I really love it that they decorated the town with giant pencils. |
But skipped Fort Ticonderoga because it was $$$.
Park Ranger: That'll be $18.50 per person.
Dan: Uhhhh...
Anne: Is there a roller coaster or something?
Park Ranger: No.
Entire Car: Pass!
We arrived in Burlington, VT around lunch time, and Dan made it clear we needed to find a restaurant with a toilet quick. So I found a local and she pointed us to a restaurant called Farmhouse. Dan hit the can, and we were seated by a waitress who appeared high or on the cusp of a zen achievement type coma. It's hard to say in Vermont. I love Vermont, but it always seems the people there are not on the same planet as the rest of us. When describing the menu, she used the term "sustainable" 4 times. My apple cider was not only organic, it was locally sourced and sustainable.
Waitress: Here's your local, sustainable, organic cider. And here's your organic grain fed beef burger, raised locally and sustainably by one of the farmers we co-op with. Do you need more recycled napkins? Can I get anyone some organic water? Our ice cubes are produced locally. And they're in season.
When she finally wandered off... Henry turned to Dan, now back from the toilet and said, "How's your squirts, Uncle Dan?!" as loud as he possible could.
Uncle Dan: You son of a... No, no, it's good. It's all slowed down. Shut up.
Henry: Would you call it more of a drizzle?
After lunch, we wandered around Burlington. It's a strange place. Lots of money, lots of weirdos. My favorite weirdo...
And throwing anything away in Vermont is way more complicated then you can imagine. I get really nervous.
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| 20%? I can't do trash math! |
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| No Lemons? What the hell? |
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| That's right. A solar trash can. |
Which brings me to the toilets. Which are chemical, organic, sustainable and freaky as hell. Anne was terrified to sit on it. I don't blame her. They don't have water. They have foam. I swear to God.
Uncle Dan also insisted that the kids walk with him in what he calls "Cullen Formation." He would take point and make me, Caitlin and the kids fan out behind him, while he walked in slow motion. It was hysterical fun, until he hissed at a group of children. He's 6'6. Let's just say we stopped walking in Cullen Formation after that. And let's also just say that Caitlin is a saint.
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| We looked way more badass. |
The car ride back to New York from Vermont was memorable for several reasons:
1. Dan found out the kids had never see the Rainn Wilson vehicle "The Rocker" and was outraged. So he pulled into a gas station and came back out with a $4.50 copy for the ride home. I was amazed first of all that it is our new favorite movie (and it's set in Cleveland!) and second that he just walked into a gas station and BOUGHT IT. But his life works like that. No one else's does.
2. There's a lot of farms all over Vermont, and my brother made the following observation as we drove past a charming dairy farm:
" Oh my God! Look at that cow! HE HAS NO HEAD! DUDE HE HAS NO HEAD! HOLY SHIT! Oh, wait. He has a head. He's just licking his ass. Gross. But look!"
3. From the dark quiet of the third row of seat, my son's voice rang out about 2 hours into the ride home and shared this with me:
Henry: Mommy? When I was little, I thought "croissant" was a polite term for "poop." But everyone does that, right?
Me: NO, HENRY! NO ONE ELSE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS THOUGHT "CROISSANT" WAS A POLITE TERM FOR POOP!
Henry: (continuing) I remember you would say, "Henry! Would you like a croissant from Costco for breakfast? And I was like, "What is wrong with her? Is she trying to kill me?"
Uncle Dan: You can't be too careful. I can totally see that.
Me: And now I know why my son has never eaten a croissant. Thanks, Uncle Dan.
~dana
