Dan: Dude. Dude. I have footage of that UFO I saw last night. It's flawless. I was up until 4am googling UFO's and Lake Erie until I found more footage like mine. So it's legit. It's for real. Other people have seen it.
Me: Leave me alone. I'm making your brunch. It was an airplane.
Winston's Internal Monologue: (should have married orphan)
Dan: Dude! I have proof! I mean, its all dark and it's on my Iphone, but it's a UFO.
Winston: Good Morning, Dan. When are you heading back to New York?
Me: Nobody cared about my UFO encounter 2 weeks ago! I sent everyone the video and not one word!! And mine was in the DAYLIGHT! Yours is some shitty night video!
Dan: Dude. Watch it. It'll freak you out. There is something messed up over Lake Erie.
I am sure you all just wet your pants. Try to remain calm. Now I will show you my AMAHHHZING UFO footage and you can compare the two and decide for yourself who is mental. I sent mine to newsnet5.com and I am pretty sure they are still trying to figure out if the public is able to handle what I saw. I am certain I will hear back from them soon.
We continued arguing about who had the best UFO footage until his girlfriend, Caitlin, showed up and we sat down to eat brunch. At which point Winston got totally sick of the conversation (probably because he has no footage to brag about) and demanded a change of conversation in honor of the baby Jesus. My darling daughter said, "Ooooh! Let's ask Uncle Dan Bible questions! It's so funny!"
My brother and I are separated by 12 years in age and were raised by the same parents. I received enough religious education to take holy orders and yet my youngest brother received practically none at all. I think my parents, after procreating for 17 years, ran out of steam. So, if you ask him any questions about religion or the Bible you get answers based upon the religious view he has pieced together for himself. From movies.
All his religious views come from the following:
1. Vampire movies
2. Apocalypse movies/ demonic possession movies
3. The WWE
4. In particular, the movies End of Days, The Chronicles of Riddick, Dracula 2000 (Gerard Butler) and the The Devil's Advocate (Al Pacino) This is the conversation that followed, as far as I was able to recreate it...
Dan: Ask me anything. Yo. Did you guys, like go to church this morning?
Me: Yes, Dan.
Dan: It's awesome when the priest dude totally drops the bass and shit. My bad. And stuff. You know.
Winston: What are you talking about? You don't even know what you're talking about. (Subtext: Get out. Now.)
Dan: You know when he gets all serious and starts chanting and stuff. He DROPS THE BASS.
"Blessusohlordandthesethygifts...BOOM." They must teach those dudes sweet bass and shit.
Me: That's a dinner prayer. We don't do that in Mass, you idiot.
Dan: I don't know the words. I just hear the sweet bass.
Anne: OK, Uncle Dan. Who was Elijah?
Winston: Get your Iphone out and ask Siri. Don't embarrass yourself.
Dan: No, I got that. Elijah was that dude with that bag of gold. And he, like, could stick his finger in those holy water bowls and make it boil. Awesome.
Me: No. No. And you're thinking Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate.
Dan: It would be sweet if I slipped into your church and dropped Alka-Seltzer in all your guys holy water. Everybody would be like, "Satan!" Where's your church?
Winston: I'll give you a hint: The only man who never died.
Dan: Oh. Elijah was Jesus. Boom.
Henry: No, Uncle Dan! Jesus died!
Dan: But he rose again, right?
Winston: But he actually died. Who never died?
Dan: Dracula.
Me: Elijah rode a fiery chariot to heaven and never died! How are we related???
Dan: Whatever. But Jesus was the first to come back and be undead. Zombie! Cut me, bro!
Winston: No, Dan, he wasn't. Have you ever heard of Lazarus? He died and Jesus brought him back from the dead? Any of this ring a bell?
Dan: Oh my GOD, SWEET! Like the Lazarus Pool in Batman?
Me: What?
Dan: Bane breaks Batman's spine and he's all crippled and shit and Batman goes into the Lazarus Pool and and gets healed and kicks Bane's ass. They totally ripped that off from Batman.
Winston: The Catholic Church ripped the story of Lazarus off from Batman? What is wrong with you???
Me: Caitlin, would you like some more pineapple?
Caitlin: Oh, yes. Thanks!
Dan: OK, fine. I have a question for you. Who are the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse? You don't know.
Winston: Uh, let's see.... War.... Famine... Death...
Dan: Boom. See? You don't know. It's Rick Flair, Curt Hennig, Arn and Ole Anderson...
Me: That's wrestling! That's the WWF!!!
Dan: No, Dana, that's the NWA and the WCW. Or the WWE in today's terms. See? You didn't know!
Winston: When are you leaving for New York, Dan?
Me: How can you base all your religious views on the WWE? You are a GROWN MAN! You're an ACCOUNTANT for God's sake!
Dan: I'm a controller. But whatever.
Winston: Dana, your grandmother went to Mass every day. How did she let this happen?
Dan: The WWE is totally like the Bible. Austin 3:16? Hello? He's like Jesus. And he's totally going to make a comeback. Like a RESURRECTION.
Me: Austin has too many braces on his body to make a comeback. He's a mess. Never gonna happen.
Dan: And Chris Benoit is like the devil, cause like, Austin broke his neck. Austin 3:16!
Me: I guess, if I really thought about it, I think the Undertaker is more of a Christ-figure. For me, personally.
Winston Internal Monologue: Because I married this woman, I get to spend all major religious holidays having insane or blasphemous conversations for the rest of my life. Or Dan's life. Is it too early to start drinking? When is he leaving?
Henry: I think Yokozuna is like Jesus.
Dan: No, dude! Andre the Giant. He's like Jesus. All huge and powerful and nice. He's gonna make a comeback and it's gonna be sweet.
Henry: But Andre the Giant is dead, Uncle Dan!
Dan: Exactly. RESURRECTION! And obviously, Vince McMahon is God. You know it.
Anne: You just made up a fact, Uncle Dan!
Winston: Thanks for coming over, Dan. It's always a pleasure. I guess you have to get going. And we have things to do.
Dan: What time will you guys be back tonight? I might bounce over.
Winston: No, you won't.
Dan's Internal Monologue: I am totally coming over tonight.
~dana
