It's Friday, so how about a Marc's update?
I got up early today and tried to get all my shopping for the week done because I hate holidays and shopping. Everyone turns into apocalyptic hoarders and you can't move a damn cart through any store. I got to Marc's early and made my way slowly through the store, which was only slightly more mental than usual. (It's already a 7 out of 10 on the crazy scale; there's not a whole lot of room for more crazy.)
I found the advanced crazy in the cereal aisle or rather, she found me. There was a woman, about my age, slightly dumpy, mousy ponytail. Easter egg pastel lavender sweatpants and a navy blue and yellow hoodie. She was just leaning there on a cereal display. Cause who doesn't just hang out at Marc's in the cereal aisle? She smiled at me and I couldn't help but notice the absence of front teeth. As I walked by she nodded at me and said:
Toothless Sweatpants: What's going on?
Me: (smiling) Not too much! Have a nice day!
Toothless Sweatpants: Can I ask you a question?
Me: (oh hell yeah. this is going to be great. this is what being open to the universe delivers.) Sure! What's up?
Toothless Sweatpants: What do you think about texting?
Me: Uhhh... I think the children of the future will have grossly huge and dexterous thumbs, but I text constantly. I'll probably be texting in 2 or three minutes. (depending on how long this conversation takes)
Toothless Sweatpants: My nephew is texting and sexting and I told my pa, I said "Pa, you take that cell phone from that damn boy or I guarantee the next face you see at the door will be the Sheriiff's. "
Me: Huh. That's rough. How old is he?
Toothless Sweatpants: My pa is like, 50 or something.
Me: No, your nephew. (omg you're my age EASY, and your dad is 50? I'm 38!)
Toothless Sweatpants: He's not really my nephew. My pa just took him on off the street. We don't know who he is. I think he's like 15. But street kids are trouble. And my pa loves him too much to put the smack down on his ass. (WTF?)
Me: Honey, I'm right there with you. Texting and kids and the internet is all trouble. I used to work in the library, and you wouldn't believe the trouble you see kids getting into on the internet. My kids have IPods and every other damn gadget there is but we either disable the internet or heavily restrict it. You can't be too careful with kids.
Toothless Sweatpants: How old is your daughter?
Me: I didn't say I have a daughter. Did I?
Toothless Sweatpants: Fancy lady like you has a sweet little girl, I know it.
Me: Uhhhh...( totally creeped out)
Toothless Sweatpants: (pointing in my cart) How much are those sweatshorts? Them are nice.
Me: Uhh, they were $2.00 over in closeouts. I gotta go, trying to do all the Easter shopping and, well, you know...
Toothless Sweatpants: No, madam, I do not. I do not hold with them pagan holidays. I will never celebrate a pagan holiday again. It's too much damn trouble. Satan, you know. Satan!
Me: How is Easter pagan?
Toothless Sweatpants: Oh, you know the whole thing with Eostre, great mother goddess and all that. You Jesus people call it what you want, it's pagan, baby.
Me: (totally intrigued) Well, yeah, but I'm Catholic. I understand what you're saying historically but I am celebrating the resurrection of the Baby Jesus. And eating chocolate.
Toothless Sweatpants: Nope, my kids don't get Easter baskets. They get coupons and a ten dollar bill. I lay them on the breakfast table and they shuffle through, pick out what they want.
Me: Sure... why not?
Toothless Sweatpants: My computer is 10 years old. How much longer do you think it will last? I got 2 gig.
Me: Dial-up?
Toothless Sweatpants: Duh! And you know what, honey, you're wrong. The children of the future won't have giant thumbs. They'll have tiny, skinny toothpick thumbs for texting. Freaky little thumbs.
Me: I really gotta go. I hope you have a nice day.
Toothless Sweatpants: Wait a minute, honey. (slides away from wall of cereal and creeps towards me. Way inside my personal space zone. Panic! Panic!)
She wrapped me in a big hug and held the hug to the count of 11. I know this because I was counting slowly and waiting to get knifed or bit or something equally weird. I kept repeating that part of the Desiderata about how even the dull and crazy have an important story. But instead, Miss Toothless Anti- Pagan Easter Sweatpants whispered in my ear, "God Bless you, honey. God Bless your family."
Then she went back to leaning on cereal. I bet she's still there right now. I dare you to go look. No, I did not get a picture because I think she wanted to steal my soul.
~dana
