He kept saying that he saw these yellow ball lights over Lake Erie that had wavy edges like tentacles. They were apparently hovering and didn't appear to be moving at all, but rather shifting. I told him he was "full of horseshit and a drunk." (I think that's a direct quote. It's close enough.)
So last Friday night, I was dead asleep. At 1.23 am, something woke me up. I listened for the usual ghost sounds that live in my house (that's another story, for another day) but there weren't any. I roll over and look at the husband. No movement, he might be dead. Everything normal there. Me, dumpster kitty and Seymour ( poodle #1 ) went to check on the kids. The kids are sleeping soundly, as are the other dogs they use as blankets, Zyk and Mr. Pickles. So I went downstairs. Look around. Nothing. But something feels wrong, so I check all the doors. Everyone of them is locked. So I start back upstairs with my tiny minions trailing behind me.
My house, as I have mentioned, is old. At the landing to the front staircase, there is a giant door to nowhere. All glass, top to bottom. It's probably 7ft tall and totally useless, as it does not open and would only lead to nothingness if it did. We have several doors to nowhere in our house. It's part of the charm. We don't actually have Lake Erie in our backyard, but the view from this door is all sky over the lake. And that's when I see them.
Three glowing yellow balls, each radiating tentacles and hovering over Lake Erie by the cliff. They aren't moving per se, but there is a subtle wiggly hovering movement.
"Holy Shit! It's Dan's aliens! He's not a drunk!"
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| Like this, but scary as shit. And wiggling. |
I stood there, transfixed. I kept rubbing my eyes, trying to unsee what I was seeing. I don't really want to see aliens. I am pretty sure any sort of alien business would end badly. Watch any sci/fi movie! But no matter how I turned my head, or stood on my tip toes, they remained completely stationary, just wiggling. I am pretty sure I was moaning. And that's when the freaky bit happened.
I swear they all wiggled and sort of turned towards me. I can't explain it at all, but I got this sudden goosepimpley feeling that they were looking at me. I know. It sounds insane. But there it is. I felt certain they were suddenly looking at me looking at them.
So I ran back to my bed and hid under the covers, a known alien and monster safety zone. I shivered there, thinking "I know I'm wide awake! I was just looking for a weird noise! Why am I seeing this? Why are the yellow balls wiggling at me?" I hid there for another 10 minutes or so, then decided to get up and look again, but this time out our back bedroom window. I was thinking that maybe it would be either gone (oh please) or maybe a different angle would make what I saw make sense.
So I tiptoed across the floor to the window and used my fingers to push the wooden shutters apart. 3 glowing balls. I dropped the shutters back into place. Broke out into flop sweat. Counted to 100. Slowly pushed the shutters apart again. Yellow wiggly balls with tiny tentacles. Run back to bed. I have seen The Fourth Kind.
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| OK, it'd be cool to have abs like that. But otherwise, no. |
I don't want to end up getting my back broken by troll aliens because I looked at them. Briefly consider calling 911. Work that through to its logical conclusion
Me: Send everything you've got! The glowing light balls are looking at me and want to break my spine! They saw me!
Operator: How much crack did you smoke, miss?
and discard idea because the fine is, like $5000. So, I do the next best thing.
Me: (hissing) Winston! Winston! Damn it, wake up!
Winston: uuuuuhhhhhh.
Me: (slapping him) Wake up! Winston! Right now!
Winston: (jumping out of bed) What? Where's the kids? What's wrong?
Me: Look out the window! There's aliens over the lake and I think they know I saw them!
Winston: (silence)
Me: Damn it, I'm serious! Go look! Please!!!
He walked the walk of a man tallying up how much a divorce would cost long-term to the front window and looked out.
Winston: Nothing. I see nothing.
Me: The lake is out back of the house, not the front! Come on! I'm scared!
I made him look out the bedroom window and the landing door to nowhere. He saw nothing. He refused to speak another word to me even though I was obviously terrified of getting my spine broke and he went back to bed. But explain this:
He woke up the next morning with a raging case of pink eye. To quote the nurse at the urgent care center: "His eyes are maroon!" See? You can't explain that, can you? My guess is that the aliens don't want certain people to see them and so they gave him pink eye! Sneaky little bastards.
Yes, I absolutely believe in the existence of aliens. It is too sad to consider that we are the only "intelligent" life in the universe. Because that's not saying too much. But in the calm light of day, I can tell you that I don't think the glowing wiggly light balls mean us any harm. I doubt aliens would want to actually make contact with us. We are idiots. As a race. I think they probably get a laugh out of watching us, but they don't want to hang out with us. I have a friend on a popular social network (a-hem) who may or may not be the voice you hear when you call that certain 3 digit emergency number. The one that starts with 9. And the calls she gets ALONE would be enough to encourage any alien race to make the trip and watch us. Like reality TV. For aliens. I was always under the impression that 911 was for "bleeding out the eyes, someone is stabbing me" emergencies. She gets calls like:
there's a guy running people over with his car at Shooters.."
or
caller: I don't know what I need.. I'm at --- motel and I was just woke by a noise and there's two mice runnin around the floor an I'm scared and no one is answering the phone at the front desk.
operator: ma'am - you're calling 911 because you're afraid of mice??
caller: yes
or
0319 this morning
caller: I need an ambulance. My girl's toenail just came off and she in pain
operator: really? um..ok, I'm transferring you to ....EMS
and
caller: I don't think this is an emergency, but I was driving South on 77 and I saw what appeared to be a hand on the side of the road?
and finally
caller: I'm just calling because there's airplanes flying all over -------every day and I was wondering what you could do about taking them out.
operator: ma'am, are you asking me to call all the airports and request they ground all flights because the planes are scaring you???
caller: well, yes, if you could.
OK, one more...
caller: I'm getting verbal abuse from my son
operator: how old is your son?
Any one of these would be more than enough reason for me to make an intergalactic journey in my glowing space ball, maybe bring some nachos and beer and just sort of park it over Lake Erie and tune in for a while. How are aliens in glowing balls hovering over the lake listening to 911 calls any different from someone in, say Rocky River, OH watching Jersey Shore? Yeah. It's not. Perspective; now you have it! I want to go on the record right here and say to anyone in a squiggly light ball who may be reading this:
"I for one welcome our new alien overlords! Please do not feel the need to break my spine, probe me or give me a raging case of pink eye! I plan on total cooperation and collaboration!"
~dana
