There's all this human body stuff out there that frankly, no one ever told me about. My "puberty speech" consisted of being handed a pamphlet on my changing body and told, "Here. Read this. Come to me if you have any questions." Yeah. Right. I looked at that 2 page pamphlet that spoke mysteriously about "womanhood" and "hygiene" and figured out pretty quick that asking any questions about any of that would be the most awkward fucking conversation ever. So I pretty much avoided the whole topic until it became... a-hem... unavoidable. If you catch my meaning. And didn't receive too much help then either...
Me: What do you mean this happens every month! For how long?
My Mom: For the rest of your life. Until you get very old. Then you won't care anymore. Didn't you read the pamphlet?
Me: No! Just no! That's not fair! I refuse! I cannot handle this! This is awful!
My Mom: Too bad.
Not exactly a cozy fireside chat about being a woman.
Also, having three brothers, I was unaware that being a hairy Pollock could be an issue during swimsuit season. (I'm Polish. We're allowed to use that term. We're taking it back.) I would have been perfectly happy, scampering around South Central Pool like a happy, hairy hobbit. Luckily, there were some super helpful girls at the pool who were more than happy to point it out to me loudly and with lots of giggling and pointing. (Burn in hell, preppy bitches. I hope you go bald. ) So, after doing some research on my own, because all my friends were immaculately hairless, I taught myself to do a bikini wax. There was a certain amount of trial and error. I can tell you with no ego at all that I AM THE BRAVEST WOMAN ALIVE.
There have been a lot of things along the way that I had to sort out for myself, because I was one daughter in a house of boys, because back then mothers didn't really share with their daughters about the intricacies of hair removal and sexy stuff, because I had no sisters and my girlfriends all seemed to just know this stuff, so I couldn't ask without looking stupid.
Without getting too specific... Laverne taught me to use a tampon our senior year of high school. I had never had access to one before. This was because my grandfather worked for a big hotel, and once a year he would drop off an industrial sized case of giant vending machine maxi pads. I just kept the box in my closet. I honestly didn't know there were any other options.
(in the bathroom)
Me: Oh, shit. Laverne, do you have any giant maxi pads capable of soaking up an oil spill?
Laverne: Uh, no. Gross. But here's a tampon.
(from under the door, comes a tiny pink package.)
Me: I can't do that! My mom told me I wasn't allowed! It's of the devil! She said I can't put anything in there.
Laverne: (sigh) Are you kidding me? It's just a tampon. Shove it in and let's go. We're late.
Me: Don't tell my mom! OK, how exactly do I do this? It seems complicated. Am I making this more complicated than it is? I take the wrapper off, right?
Laverne: Unbelievable. You're 17 years old! Figure it out!
So, back up to last week. I took Zyk on his daily walk to the park, and we headed to our bench just like we always do. Zyk sat there, breathing in the heady perfume that is Lake Erie and I sat, leaning forward on the edge of the bench, stretching my legs and and scratching his head. After maybe, 5 minutes, Zyk laid down for his 10 minute nap, so I decided to lean back and mess around on my phone while he slept.
As soon as I leaned back, I noticed this horrible sensation. Or rather, lack of sensation. MY ENTIRE CROTCH HAD FALLEN ASLEEP. BY THE WAY, NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THIS SHIT HAPPENS. I went straight from "relaxing morning with my puppy" to "holy fuck I am going to die." That's how it felt. Impending doom. I thought, "Oh my God! I can't feel my crotch at all!" Is it a stroke? An aneurism? Some instantaneous form of flesh eating bacteria? Is my crotch even still there? "
I started squirming around because the whole business was freaking me out. But I was afraid to stand up because the more I squirmed, a pins and needles sensation started spreading and it was HORRIBLY UNPLEASANT. Yes. I admit it. I thought I might be dying and I seriously considered calling 911. I am not kidding. I was terrified that whatever was happening was never going to stop.
 |
| Except I am a brunette. But otherwise, it looked exactly like this. |
I had a brief imaginary conversation with my mom.
Me: Mom! I can't feel my crotch at all! I think I'm dying!
My Mom: Did you stick something up there? I warned you! Too bad!
Me: Why was there not a pamphlet about crotch numbness? I would have read that one!
Which segued, as I sat there squirming and moaning, into how a conversation with 911 would go...
Me: Please send EMS to Lakewood Park. I have no feeling in my crotch. Well, now it's sorta pins and needles. But that's even worse. AND I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO BRING THIS ON! I'm a good girl! I don't want to die!
911 Operator: Your crotch...Is numb... Did I get that right? Maybe it was aliens. You know, the ones that gave your husband pink eye?
After a few painful moments of squirming and praying that Numb Crotch Syndrome doesn't kill, I was able to walk home. I was terrified the whole way that it would happen again and someone would find me squirming on the sidewalk, crying, "Why is my crotch numb? Why?" (And here in Lakewood, that wouldn't get you all that much attention.)
The first thing I did when I got home was Google "my crotch fell asleep." I was doubtful that I would find anything. I honestly figured that I was the first person in the history of the internet to type those search terms. This is what pops up when you ask Google that question.
"my crotch fell asleep"
Apparently, it's a THING! This happens to everyone! I am fucking 38 years old and my crotch fell asleep for the first time last week and the rest of the world has been walking around keeping that information from me! How do you people deal with this? And you'd think it would have come up in conversation at some point and I would have picked up on the fact that this shit happens.
Me: Hi! I'm so glad to see you! How have you been?
Friend: Well, I had to take yesterday off of work because my damn crotch kept falling asleep, but I'm better today. I'm not dying or anything, but it was close.
Me: I am so glad you're OK. You call me if you need anything. (note to self: interesting; your crotch can fall asleep, but it is apparently not fatal. Look into this. This could be important. )
That would have been helpful information. Come on, people.
So, last weekend I realized the conspiracy went right to the heart of my world: my marriage. Winston and I took the kids and their friends to the zoo, and we were sitting on a bench waiting for them to finish playing on the giant snake slide in the Outback section.
Winston: This is nice. Just sitting here in the shade. Just you and me. Are you having a nice day, sweetie?
Me: My crotch fell asleep last week. It was awful. Did you know that could happen? I Googled it and everything. It's not an aneurism or anything flesh eating. It's just from sitting funny. I'm gonna be OK.
Winston: (slowly, with confusion and WTF? mingling on his face in the dappled sunlight) Yeah... any part of your body can fall asleep. It happens. You know, blood flow? It happens to bikers all the time. How did you not know this? It's not a big deal.
Me: I thought I was dying! You knew about this and didn't think to tell me? You just let me figure this one out for myself?
Winston: Yes, Dana. I purposely kept it from you. It's a great crotch conspiracy.
Me: Whatever. Apparently I need to be very careful around benches from now on. I thought the worst thing that could happen to my crotch was a bad wax. Huh. I was wrong. So very wrong.
So, I am compiling a list of things to tell my daughter.
1. I will be plucking your unibrow soon. And possibly waxing your lip. And as much as it hurts, you know what hurts worse? Preppy bitches at the pool. By the way, you'll be waxing other things when you're older. And don't look to your immaculately hairless friends for help.
2. Tampons will not make you the Devil's Bride. And maxi pads are comfortable like diapers are on a hot sunny day. I will be throwing a pink package under the door to you one day and giving you some tough love like Laverne gave me. It will make you a stronger person.
3. Your crotch can fall asleep. Avoid perching on it. It is super uncomfortable, but almost never fatal. I Googled it. Don't call 911, but you can call me and I will talk you down without laughing.
4. Denying the existence of extra terrestrial life almost always results in pink eye. (Please refer to A Public Apology. Aliens are sneaky bastards. Pink eye=deluded puppet of the state. Be sad for them. And if you marry one, don't let him look out the window at night.
~dana
