Scene One
Setting: Lakewood Park
Time: Dusk
I am walking through the park. Normally, I would have one of the dogs with me, but I had to get out of the house because I was freaking out and scooping dog shit is not super relaxing. I sat and had a zen moment, sitting on the rocks looking at picturesque and fragrant Lake Erie. Then I began walking the loop out of the park. Seven youths on low rider bikes roll up behind me and slow way down, so they maintain a distance of 4 feet. I do a quick glance and see that they are all hoodied-up and appear to be older, thuggier versions of the kids in ET. Repeat quiet mantra re: hoodies and violence not equating each other. Step off the path so ET kids can go around. Realize ET hoodie kids have left path as well and are following me around on the fucking grass. Wish for dog. See no one around to help. Promise self will never crave alone time again.
Consider options:
Option 1. Pull giant knife out of pocket that my dad gave me, whip around and scream, "Who wants to die, motherfuckers? Let's go!"
Possible results:
1a. Will accidentally pull knife on freakishly huge 12 year olds, just as Lakewood PD rolls up.
1b. Realize that I have the awesome presence of Shirley Temple, and no one is afraid of her. Also my voice is squeaky.
Option 2. Run to the adjacent skateboarding park and lose myself in the fog of pot that drifts lazily around it at all times.
Possible results:
2a. Stoner skateboarders will think they are having a funny hallucination due to high quality weed when ET youths beat my ass.
2b. Will find safety in the form of the cops who are always rolling up on the park hoping to witness suspicious hand rolled cigarettes.
Break into sad, middle aged run, looking less like a gazelle and more like a chubby groundhog. Develop stabbing spinal pain 500ft from skate park pot fog. Accept inevitable death by ET hoodie gang, who are still maintaining 4 ft. trailing distance, and now laughing. See perfect strangers at a picnic table. Wave arms over head and scream, "Oh my God, there you guys are! I'm so happy to see you!"
Hear bikes suddenly careen off the other way and fade into the distance. Stumble past confused looking couple to the skate park and hide in the pot fog until it feels safe again. Consider learning to skate board. Looks fun.
End Scene
Scene 2
Setting: Lakewood Park
Time: 30 minutes till sunset, the following day
This time I have Zyk, the giant poodle with me. He looks like a giant happy moose and I feel much safer with him. We walk the loop of the park and get stopped every few feet by people wanting to pet him. Zyk looks like a 80lb. stuffed animal and most children and adults who walk past can't help themselves from wanting to pet him. Suddenly a woman, closely followed by a amused/confused looking man holding a Monster energy drink runs up to us and begins happily screaming in my face.
Batshit Woman: SCHOOLTEACHER! SCHOOLTEACHER!
Me: Uhhh... what?
Batshit Woman: SCHOOLTEACHER! YOU ARE SUCH A SCHOOLTEACHER! LOOK AT YOUR FACE! KINDERGARTEN!
Me: No. I'm not. I mean, no thank you. What?
Man: (shrugs shoulders)
Batshit Woman: SCHOOLTEACHER!
Me: Uhhh.. excuse me.
Batshit Woman: OH MY GOD I TOTALLY LOVE YOUR DOG! WHAT IS IT?
Me: It's a poodle.
Woman: NO WAY!
Me: Uhhh... yeah. Well, he is kinda big for a poodle.
Batshit Woman: CAN I PET HIM? HUH? HUH? CAN I?
At this point I realize that something is really, really wrong. I look from the hyper face of the woman...to the bemused/ embarrassed look on man's face. He kinda shrugs his shoulders at me. I realize the woman is completely fucking off her ass drunk. Or high. I'm not a wealth of knowledge when it comes to drugs.
Me: Well, sure. But you have to be gentle. OK?
Batshit Woman: IS HE GONNA GOOSE ME?
Me: What? What do you mean? Is who gonna goose you?
Batshit Woman: YOUR DOG. IS HE? HUH? HUH? YOU KNOW. GONNA GOOSE ME?
At this point, she began slapping her own ass every time she said, "Goose me." Which she chanted 3 more times.
Batshit Woman: GOOSE ME! GOOSE ME! GOOSE ME! (SMACK SMACK SMACK)
The man and I exchanged glances. His look said, "Dude, I'm sorry, but this is awesome!"
Mine said, "Dude, you are either getting laid in your car in this parking lot, or she's gonna barf in it. Good luck with that."
I told her my Zyk was a gentleman and wouldn't dream of slapping her ass. Zyk let her pet him, which she did rather inappropriately and aggressively. It was like she was trying to demonstrate her sexuality with my dog. She kept murmuring, "You like that? You want that?" The whole while, her boyfriend was rocking on his heels, obviously enjoying the whole thing and Zyk was looking at me with one eye, saying, "When can we walk away from Batshit here?"
When she finished molesting my poor poodle, I wished them a good evening. She screamed, "Good-bye, Schoolteacher!" one more time. I walked away quicky, realizing that dog or no dog, there is no safety for me at Lakewood Park at dusk.
End Scene
~dana
