And it usually goes pretty well. Except for that time I got off my couch to check on them and discovered that one of them was using the rope as a whip, while the other used the skateboard and stick Gladiator-style and they were fighting to the death. Gleefully.
Sometimes this all attracts attention from the neighbors. When they were smaller and bored on a hot summer day, I would cover the back fence with 20+ feet of brown paper and assemble every can of paint we had squirreled away in the garage and basement. I would strip them down to their underwear and tell them to go for it, while Mommy sat in the shade with her feet in a bucket of cold water. They would run around screaming and painting. Then it would degenerate into painting their tummies. Then painting each other. Then painting the grass. The neighbors would walk by and ask if everything was OK. I don't think they saw the beauty in it all. And by beauty, I mean how the kids were leaving me alone.
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| Savage Baby |
My favorite part was getting the hose out and powerwashing the paint off of their tiny bodies. I would have to corner them, and make them spin around and put their arms up and there was a great deal of Auschwitz going on there. But, like, fun Auschwitz. They got popsicles after their trip to the shower.
My kids are older now, and they don't really need me to round up trash for them to play with. They do just fine on their own, as I discovered last night. I had been grooming the poodles in the back garden. My system works like this: I shear each poodle like a sheep and collect all the hair in a brown paper grocery bag. Then I throw it out. I don't make sweaters or pot holders, if that's what you're thinking. I can't knit.
So I finished shearing Mr. Pickles, the grey poodle and set his bag of fur in the garage. Then I grabbed another poodle and headed out back again. My daughter and her friend Cora were playing a game with the hillbilly neighbor kids called: We Are Pretending To Be Twins and You Guys Are Totally Buying It. Anne told the neighbor kids, who aren't all that bright, that Cora was her twin sister we had sold at birth. The girls kept running behind bushes and switching shirts and headbands to pull off the effect. It looked like a lot of fun.
As I walked by, one hillbilly neighbor kid asked me, "Miss Dana, how come you sold your baby?" I replied, "Kids are expensive! I got a good price for her." The other hillbilly child then asked, "But how come you got her back?" I thought for a minute and said, " We saw her selling corn fritters at the carnival and felt bad, so we brought her home. We might even keep her."
I finished shearing Seymour Butts and headed back to the garage to throw his bag of hair away. And there I find the girls. With a card table set up in front of them. With a blanket on it. With a wrench and a screwdriver. (Still not sure what that was for.) Covered in grey poodle fur. With this HAIRY THING on the blanket. And Anne holding a bottle of waterproofing spray. $20 Ugg waterproofing spray, not that I am being crabby or anything.
Me: Girls... what are you doing?"
Cora: We made a nest. Out of the dog fur.
Anne: And I am waterproofing it. For the birds.
I was absolutely convinced that Cora's mom would hear about this and never allow her child to hang out at the McSwain's again. We don't know each other all that well. And it wouldn't be the first time a child was forbidden from returning to my home...
Henry's Birthday Party, 2007.
Child A: Mom! Dad! We had so much fun! Henry's mom gave us all these eggs and we got to throw them at a target! Then we dug up worms and Henry's dad made a worm race track on a sheet of plywood and we raced our worms! Then we squirted the worms with a hose! And we helped Henry with the hole he's digging to China! We're really close now!
Parent A: (Icy Judgmental Stare) Goodbye. And when I say goodbye, I mean I am telling every mother in the PTA that you are freaks. I hope your son enjoys solitude.
But when we walked Cora home last night...
Cora's Mom (laughing): Did you have fun, girls? You two are filthy! I know two little girls who are getting showers tonight!
Cora: Mom, it was so fun, we tricked the kids next door that we're twins and Anne's mommy said she sold me to the carnival! Then we made a huge nest out of dog hair!
Anne: And I waterproofed it.
Cora's Mom: Well, you'd have to, wouldn't you? Poodle hair isn't waterproof.
I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
~dana
